Topic: Fun
"Hey, look. A bunch of cows."
"Herd."
"What?"
"Not bunch. Herd."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"I don't care if a cow heard, it's not like I'm keeping any secrets from cows."
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"Hey, look. A bunch of cows."
"Herd."
"What?"
"Not bunch. Herd."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"I don't care if a cow heard, it's not like I'm keeping any secrets from cows."
I first got hooked on Millington's website, "Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About" which is also the title of his first novel, and I didn't even knew he wrote for The Guardian until recently. He's teh funnay. The website is teh funnay. His books are teh funnay. Tech reviews are, generally, hardly ever teh funnay, but he tries. Examples following...
The musical knife
Mil Millington|Saturday May 27, 2006
I've set myself certain goals with these columns: one is to seed them with cumulative subliminal suggestions that will seep into the general consciousness and so prevent there being another series of Strictly Come Dancing. A second (and the hardest) is to avoid their featuring a tedious succession of mobile phones, digital cameras and MP3 players. Although those three account for 97% of all new products, I want to focus instead on less obvious items. But, every so often, a mobile, camera or MP3 player comes along that is different enough to earn the right to be written about. The Swiss Bit S.Beat is just such a creature.
The S.Beat is an MP3 player combined with a Swiss Army Knife. It has a blade, a small file, a pair of scissors, 1GB of memory, an LCD screen and a built-in USB connector. But such details are secondary. You can listen to Goldfrapp while attending to a hangnail if you wish, but it's the audio book potential that excites me. Imagine having the S.Beat in a bar fight: its edge flashes, while it simultaneously feeds your ears with Marc MacYoung's seminal Knives, Knife Fighting, And Related Hassles (ISBN: 0873645448). And how improved an experience the Duchess of Windsor's autobiography, Heart Has Its Reasons, would have been if, during it, I'd had the soothing distraction of being able to stab myself periodically in the thigh. The S.Beat is obese with potential.
The Mathmos lamp
Mil Millington|Saturday July 1, 2006
If doing this column had left me with any self-respect, I'd tell you that the Mathmos lamp is an amusing toy for children. Sensible amounts of shame would compel me to leave it there and let you imagine that I possess the mature intellect and sturdy psychological balance that is the sine qua non of everyone who works for the Guardian. I'd comment that it produces a soft, variable light from what resembles an apothecary's bottle. How it does this is diverting, in its small way, I'd say with a superior smirk. To turn it on, or off, you merely wave across the top of it. You don't touch it at all - your hand simply sweeps through the air in a vaguely papal fashion.
In a similar way, increasing or diminishing the brightness of the bulb is achieved by lifting or lowering a palm above the lamp. The feeling is not that you're in your living room putting on a light, but that you're at Hogwarts and have double Potions. "The kids will love it!" I'd add, identifying my irony with a silly exclamation mark.
But a friend was here the day it arrived. "That's pointless," she said with a shake of her head and a grown-up smile. She then spent the next 20 minutes waving her fingers about, becoming more Witches Of Eastwick by the second. The Mathmos lamp feeds your inner Saruman. All too soon, you're daydreaming that you have the power to smite nations with a lazy movement of your thumb. If this thing sells, it'll be like the Age of Reason never happened.
By Mike Steinberger
Posted Tuesday, Aug. 1, 2006, at 6:59 AM ET
http://www.slate.com/id/2146720
I thought I can really use this, but I'm afraid that my husband will take a 9-iron to it after a couple of days of playing hide-n-seek with a freakin' alarm clock.
From the 2005 Ig Nobels:
Clocky® (patent pending) is an alarm clock that runs away and hides if you don't get out of bed on time. The alarm sounds, you press the snooze, and Clocky will roll off of the bedside table, jump to the floor, and wheel away, bumping mindlessly into objects until he finds a spot to rest. When the alarm sounds again, you must awaken to search for him.
Story:
It is just too easy to hit the snooze. Conventional alarm clocks work alright for people who don't have trouble getting out of bed. But for Gauri Nanda, a lifelong oversleeper who was routinely late for morning classes as a graduate student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab, waking up would take some ingenuity.
Clocky® began as one of Nanda's class projects, but a flood of media attention made the clock a star. Gauri has since started Nanda Nanda, a company devoted to making all sorts of products, including technologies that are fun to use and a better fit for human beings.
www.nandananda.com
OW OW OW OW OW OW OW
Just home from the hospital. I had my surgery on Monday morning, and it turned out that I had 21 - yes, twenty-one - tumors in my uterus that had to come out. The smallest of the bastards was the size of a marble, and the largest like a computer mouse. I also found out later that I bled so severely that my surgeons were moving towards a transfusion. Having 21 tumors cut from my body through a 5 inch gash is really, really, really painful. I woke up in the recovery room in more pain that I'd ever imagined possible being in while still alive. I thought my body would just kill itself by that point. I was attached to a PCA of hydromorphone for a day and half, and now I'm home with vicodin.
So the moral of this story is, try never to grow any tumors in your uterus.
The incision is HUGE and RED with a big row of staples. It's so long that it practically reaches from leg to leg across my lower abdomen. It hurts abominably - and abdominally too. I can only have 1 Vicodin 5/500 every 4 hours, and I can't sleep through the night yet - I woke up last night after about 6 hours, the painkiller had wore off but the pain hasn't. Stupid tumors.
It's nice to be home, to be able to wash my hair, and get some peace and quiet too. The hospital has got to be the worst place for people who needs rest - people coming and going, machines beeping and wheezing, squalling children visiting next door, etc. Why do people bring toddlers along to hospital visits for 3 hours? Surely even grandma's had enough of him by the end of the visit.
I'm paranoiacally checking the incision every few hours for sign of infection, which scares me more than anything.
It hurts - had I mentioned that already?
A Vancouver veterinarian who runs a 24-hour emergency clinic says she treats a surprising number of dogs who have overdosed on marijuana or other illicit drugs.